leading a double life
sometimes i feel like i'm leading a double life. and it always happens whenever i go back home.
i'm pretty sure that there are at least others who have spent a significant amount of time in different places who feel that way. in many ways i feel like i've changed, and for the better, which is expected because everyone grows up, but whenever i go home, it always seems that there is something different about me that is foreign to those who matter most to me, and causes me to not want to be whom i've become.
i speak differently, though in the same language. i act differently, have different friends, lead a different lifestyle. which one then is my true self? if one had to choose, which one would i rather be? am i being dishonest with myself?
as much as others try and reinvent themselves throughout life, i spend a lot of time trying to figure out who i truly am and fight change. sometimes i feel that the wheel of change is too fast and we get too caught up in trying to live, that we forget who we really are. or maybe it's because i'm just afraid of people not knowing me anymore.
p.s. on a different note, jon just called me MARKETABLE. i'm just gonna close one eye and pretend it's a compliment, because he DID compare me to a 50-year-old white-haired indian man.
i'm pretty sure that there are at least others who have spent a significant amount of time in different places who feel that way. in many ways i feel like i've changed, and for the better, which is expected because everyone grows up, but whenever i go home, it always seems that there is something different about me that is foreign to those who matter most to me, and causes me to not want to be whom i've become.
i speak differently, though in the same language. i act differently, have different friends, lead a different lifestyle. which one then is my true self? if one had to choose, which one would i rather be? am i being dishonest with myself?
as much as others try and reinvent themselves throughout life, i spend a lot of time trying to figure out who i truly am and fight change. sometimes i feel that the wheel of change is too fast and we get too caught up in trying to live, that we forget who we really are. or maybe it's because i'm just afraid of people not knowing me anymore.
p.s. on a different note, jon just called me MARKETABLE. i'm just gonna close one eye and pretend it's a compliment, because he DID compare me to a 50-year-old white-haired indian man.
posted by nana at 8:19 PM
2 Comments:
A gambler who plays Mah Jong and Poker. The games are different but the appetite for winning or losing is usually consistent.
If you ask me, I would think being overseas, and having to establish a new life for ourselves would undoubtedly create a different lifestyle altogether. But that doesnt necessarily mean you are changed, from the values point of view - which i think is what defines who we really are for the most part. Our lifestyle may change but not necessarily our values.
Lifestyle wise, I think it's lucky for some of us to be able to experience both worlds. Also meaning we know which are the most natural and comfortable ones - ones that we would stick to ultimately.
I definitely prefer Mah Jong.
true - not saying that i'm ungrateful for what i've been able to experience, but at times i struggle to remember my values and principles. sometimes in life i think people tend to lose them along the way...
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